I've been in a number of caregiving roles over the years. The intimate relationship that forms between the caregiver and the care-receiver is almost always complex. Proper etiquette — which is about making others feel comfortable — can go a long way toward ensuring that the care-receiver's dignity remains intact.

Caregiving comes in many forms, such as looking after a child with chicken pox, caring for an aging parent around the clock or paying special attention to a relative with a disability.

As the offspring of some hearty stock, I've had decades of experience with elders and caregiving; valuable experience that has honed my attention to detail and increased my sensitivity to all sorts of situations.

My grandmother lived for almost two decades with visual impairments. My aunt was relentless in her pursuit of gadgetry and services with which to provide her mother an unrestricted lifestyle. Books on tape came weekly from the library, and my aunt affixed fuzzy Velcro to the cassette player buttons so grandma could easily find the play switch. When we shared time together, I became her eyes and would read her the mail or assist her as we walked.

My mother recently had double foot surgery and has been using a wheelchair during her recovery. Negotiating obstacles and people has been a learning process for a busybody like her. But her situation
has provided both of us new perspectives about the things we take for granted — like managing the
height of a threshold and being able to reach an item on a high shelf.

I recently spoke with eldercare advocate Rebecca Colmer, who offered these tips on applying the rules of etiquette in caregiving situations of all kinds.

• Encourage family members and friends to show respect and deference to care-receivers. Noise from the TV, radio, etc., should be kept to a minimum.

• Preserve care-receiver's feelings of independence. For example, it is important that care-receivers have control of their own money, for as long as they are capable of managing it.

• Use your imagination and put yourself in the care-receivers' shoes. Be understanding.

• Express warmth and concern toward care-receivers. This is especially important when care-receivers have poor self-images or feelings of inferiority. A good caregiver will provide reassurance.

• Be a good listener. Sometimes care-receivers may simply want to talk.

• Smile a lot. Be a good friend and companion.

• Practice your coping skills in order to maintain your composure and balance.

• Don't treat care-receivers like children. Even if they revert to childlike behavior, they should to be treated with respect and dignity.

• Don't criticize care-receivers for occasional forgetfulness or for other behaviors that accompany advancing age.

• Don't take sides with other family members in disputes or arguments. It is better to be known as someone who is fair and noninterfering.

• Don't discourage help of others. There can never be too much help.

• Don't assume that care-receivers have nothing to contribute.

• Don't underestimate the power of touch. A hug, kiss or pat on the shoulder can work wonders.

• Include care-receivers in conversation. Don't talk about them as if they weren't in the room.

Caregiving requires both parties to work thoughtfully together. There's a delicate balance between being hands-on and taking over a household and care-receiver's way of life.

Mostly blind in her late 90s, my grandmother would shock and delight us all by matter-of-factly pointing out the new moon. It was an important reminder that despite her limitations, she was very much herself inside.

In caregiving situations, applying the rules of etiquette can provide comfort to those in need and to other family members as well.

Bizia Greene owns the Etiquette School of Santa Fe. Send your comments and conundrums to etiquette@etiquettesantafe.com or 988-2070.