There is no better way to celebrate a grueling victory in NASCAR like choking down a refreshing beverage provided by a global sponsor, then listening to a sweaty, disinterested driver recount the glorious effort by thanking all his corporate partners before he gives a nod to, oh, those guys in his pit crew.
But that’s NASCAR. We’re used to getting drowned by advertisers. Their logos are etched into every possible empty space on a driver’s car and/or jumpsuit.
The NBA is apparently next. The association approved a measure this week that will allow teams to place logos on game jerseys in 2013. Other leagues are sure to follow.
For now, our prep teams are safe. Thanks to a rule mandated by the National Federation of State High School Associations, the governing body for interscholastic organizations like the New Mexico Activities Association, schools are restricted from placing ads on uniforms. Even the size and placement of a manufacturer’s logo is strictly enforced.
For now, high school uniforms appear safe.
Rest assured, one day you’ll stroll into your local facility for a taste of Friday night lights and get a taste of this:
“Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Wal-Mart Field at Ivan Head Stadium for tonight’s game between your Santa Fe High Demons presented by Bank of America and the visiting Ruby Tuesday Capital Jaguars.
“For your convenience, we’ve added special outlining around each player’s uniform number thanks to our corporate sponsors at Sharpie.
“The metallic highlights — included in the newest line of permanent markers at your neighborhood Walgreens and other fine retailers — really make those previously drab digits jump out, don’t they? Kinda like they’ve been scrubbed with Tide, whose logo is prominently displayed on each player’s right knee.
“You sure can see them from way up here in the Exxon press box, recently refurbished by our corporate friends from Gatorade and General Electric. We’re easily visible now that the Domino’s jumpy pit has been moved next to the Taco Bell concession stand.
“Note the enhanced color scheme on the upper right chest area of each player’s jersey, just below the patch for McDonald’s and that oh-so-familiar moustached guy from the Pringles can. That’s where our host of local businesses pay homage to our student-athletes.
“As is plainly visible, folks, we’ve nearly completely done away with all the blank spaces on what used to be that boring navy blue home jersey traditionally worn by the Demons.
“In fact, that dark backdrop now serves as a peaceful enhancement of the colorful Visa panel covering most of your son’s lower abdomen. Really brings out the stripes, doesn’t it?
“With help from our fine friends at Perrier, the arching space below the neckline and above that annoying number on the back — and really, do we need numbers on the front and back of every jersey? I mean, c’mon, where’s the money in that? — is covered almost entirely.
“Be sure to take a gander at the extended tire tread wrapping around each kid’s waistline. Those wavy marks are the unmistakable imprint of Firestone’s latest all-purpose tire, on sale now at Pep Boys. And don’t let the Dunkin’ Donuts coffee cup or the interlocking rings of Audi distract you from the safety provided by the players’ helmets. Those lids, by the way, are brought to you by our pals at Geico.
“At last, thank you for serving as tonight’s pants sponsor, Home Depot. The company’s orange hue contrasts nicely with the velvety white hip pads provided by Sealy.
“Finally, tonight’s kickoff is sponsored by FedEx because nothing delivers better than an efficient, timely start. And, of course, nothing says home field advantage quite like ReMax and our loyal supporters from Red Bull, Hyundai and Pepsi.”
Contact Will Webber at email@example.com or 986-3060.